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Some people make art while the world is burning. They can paint in prison, write poetry on the subway home from a job they hate, dance their way out of physical oppression. But for many creatives, particularly neurodivergent creatives the psycho-sensory assault of life can be so overwhelming that if feels impossible to exist in anything other than fight/ flight/ freeze. I’ve had several questions on this theme lately. Not just the usual ones on hypnosis to overcome creative blocks or hypnosis for imposter syndrome but people grieving the abandonment of their creative spirit. I have felt this too and in part this has been why I’ve been slow to write, but here we are finally, in time for Spring.

There are many inlets into your creative practice. Some practical and specific to your unique craft and others more generic liberation and flow work. I like to think of hypnosis as a buffer from the harshness of the world. A way to cut through the noise and hold your hand when you can’t see the woods for the trees. It’s almost like a a conscious decision to retreat and start from a place further back than we think we need to start.

An art therapist college of mine was curious how my approach to hypnosis differed from maladaptive daydreaming. I guess the short answer is while it is escapist to a degree, it’s still generative, foundational and intentional and it can include actionable steps too but they often don’t look how we initially invisioned them. These days my approach tends to fall more into

“Inspiration exists on the other side of boredom”

rather than

“Inspiration exists but it must find you working”

What I mean by this is that while we aren’t postdating creativity until a perfect time (that may never come) but that we must feel what that safe, expansive, inspiring environment is then sit in the boredom and the vacuum without fixing it. Of course this depends on what energies are at play. Just like with depression or anxiety seasons we might need a fire fueled purging push or to get out of it but we could just as easily need a cool flowing water based restorative, soothing way out. The subconsious knows what we need and at what pace to ebb and flow between these different dynamics.

But right now I don’t have your subconsious mind here to ask, so in general this is the process to follow:

• First we create safety.
• Then we experience what we want to see, hear & feel.
• Then we allow space for stillness and boredom.
• Then we invite in imperfection.
• Then we rehearse.
• Then we do!

All in our imagination (with a few somatic body anchors).

I can’t speak for other hypnotherapists but that’s how I approach things – and what I recommend as a best practice approach.

The subconscious mind likes certainty. Neurodivergent brains like a baseline of certainty in order to play with novelty. Getting ready to to plan to do the thing is it’s own step and is not procrastination. Mindful worry time about it is a part of it. Sitting in the vacuum without criticism is a stepping stone not to be skipped before taking wise action. The problem is most people loop themselves back around and around in shame spirals and that’s no way to create (even if it’s worked as motivation in the past). It only leads to burnout.

The other big piece I can’t recreate here is the experience of being held and guided by someone else. A huge component of feeling free to let go is relying on someone else so getting lost isn’t scary. It’s hard to off-road if you’re also in charge of looking at the map and keeping the tank full of gas but it’s not impossible, it just takes a bit more practice and patience to create the container for adventure on your own.

So how can hypnosis create safety?

Fake it til you make it. Our nervous systems are shot from oppression and for a lot of people immediate escape and soothing comes from scrolling on our phones or giving ourselves a little treat. Building a self regulation practice is hard work and when we are burned out from a hyper-independence the best results come from supportive nurturing from others at first. With hypnosis you get that immediate feeling of detachment, of being the witness, of escape into a world where everything is how you wish it to be. It’s a fantasy but our nervous system doesn’t distinguish between imagined safety serenity and reality. From that space it is easier to think clearer and put the practical regulation tools in place. Whether those are somatic tools like breathing or reframed thoughts, we can plant those seeds in undisturbed soil for fast access outside of the office.

How can hypnosis create certainty?

I’ve been asked: what would you do if you knew you wouldn’t fail? And that question never really resonated with me. What would you do if you knew how you were going to do it? Closer. What would you do if you knew how you were going to do it and you enjoyed doing it your own way? That’s a better fit for me. But for all my clients the question is different. The kinds of certainty they require could be procedural, experiential or how it will be received. Or a combination of all three or something else. When we have no idea what certainty looks like, we create a proxy. A placeholder. A working title. Using hypnosis visioning, exploration, trial and error and a sort of beta testing of close roadmap of the project we anchor ourselves in that certainty on a subconsious level that makes action inevitable, not a decision.

How can hypnosis be generative for artists or anyone struggling from a lack of creativity in their life?

This is a little tricky to explain without guiding on a journey but here goes. This is quite visual for most people but it’s still accessible by leaning in to the feeling and knowing if you have aphantasia and might be helped to write it out narratively or record it and listen to more descriptors.

Exercise:

1. So imagine you’re in your perfect place to create. Start with elements of what you’ve already experienced, what feels most tangible container and then move gradually out towards the more intangible, esoteric or blank spots.

2. Use the following prompts to help build your world.

Note: I toyed with creating a more prescriptive exercise but I actually think a little anarchy can work. Feel free to comment below if you’d like something more structured.

• Where in the world
• Outside/ inside
• Day/ night
• Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter
• Temperature
• Owned, rented, communal
• Alone or with others
• Permanent or transitory
• Sensory stuff: sounds and music, tastes, smells, sights what are you wearing, drinking
• Tools of the trade
• Your age and experience or skills acquired
• Money
• Health, fitness, mental health
• Relationships
• Spirit, animals, nature, allies
• How is the world different (big one right now, right?)

3. Then just rest in there. Instead of trying to create in there, do random stuff in there like sweeping up or dancing or making a cosy nook to sit in and meditate: breathwork, zen, insight, guided, movement meditations like qigong.

4. There are all sorts of things you can do from this place. If you set up a routine then your muses will know where and when to find you. Some of my clients have conversations with people in the space, discover gifts left for them, even start working on a project that seems to have nothing to do with their actual work.

Maybe this feels indulgent and unproductive but it’s likely less time than you spend scrolling on your phone, right? Sometimes when I am scrolling on my phone it’s in search of connection or ideas outside of myself that I could have never imagined. Hypnosis and meditation is not a substitute for community or collaboration but it is an antidote to shallow seeking. There is a vastness in our subconscious that we barely scratch before we tap out and look elsewhere. We see and hear and feel so many bits of information that we discount. Often when someone else’s ideas resonate it’s because they are ideas we would have had, if we’d pieced together all those fragments we weren’t paying attention to. Sometimes being so hyperconnected digitally means we see something that has already been done and it makes us feel like we can no longer share that idea. The more we can explore our subconsious the easier those ideas will come together for us and the clearer we will feel about expressing them with our unique take on them so they are not the same. If you haven’t done it yet then there is still space in the world for it because your resonance matters.

How can hypnosis silence the inner critic, battle Imposter Syndrome and soothe rejection sensitivity dysphoria?

Is it imposter syndrome or are you just not good enough? Is it imposter syndrome or are you just being selfish? Is it imposter syndrome or are people just not rewarding you for your efforts? What if it’s true but what if I wanted to see what you had to share anyway? Would you be generous enough to do that? Being seen, judged, noticed, not noticed, these are all childhood, generational and societal and spiritual wounds that can be healed in a multitude of ways. Through therapy, journalling movement, massage, alternative therapies, community. Your subconscious mind knows how it wants to work through this. My personal view is that it if we use hypnosis for this, it’s therapeutic hypnosis. Many providers do use thought stopping techniques for this and while I agree to an extent that this negative voice doesn’t deserve airtime and we can over identify with it, I do not believe ignoring it will make it go away. I like to think of it more as expanding the container so that it gets confused about where to land the punches and there are enough amazing ideas floating around that it is less significant.

How can hypnotherapy help with creative blocks

I don’t subscribe to the idea that there is a block. I believe that it is

• A nervous system that is stuck in fight/ flight/ freeze due to the state of the world
• A neurodivergent brain that is under stimulated in the way it wants to be and overstimulated in the way it doesn’t
• Imposter Syndrome, low self esteem or other unhealed rejection shame or perception wounds
• Lack of third spaces or in person community
• Financial pressure
• Insufficient time in nature or nothing doing
• Untrained imagination and neuroplacicity
• Physical, mental and spiritual health
• Inability to see the wood for the trees
• Overexposure to homogenous “creative” ideas
• Noise

Hypnotherapy can create a space that goes deeper (or higher) than these influences. It can’t change some of the very real challenges in this list but it can play around with time so we feel like we are spending more time immersed in what’s possible, who we really are as a creatives and what we want, rather than syphoning all of our energy into the barriers. That way when it comes to fighting them, we know what we’re fighting for.

Can You Be Addicted to Hypnosis? And what do do about it if you think you are: A Professional Perspective.

Hypnosis can be addictive. Anything can be. But you’re probably not addicted to hypnosis even if it feels compulsive. I received this Free Advice question, well its more of a statement I guess, but it was followed by describing a particular type of non therapeutic hypnosis, so to speak. I wanted to provide some insight and advice on regulating your nervous system and regaining agency if you’re experiencing a compulsive or unhealthy relationship with hypnosis.

If you’re used to the more candid and informal language typically found in my advice articles you might find this an easier read on my Substack for Hypnosis and compulsive behavior. There are a number of technical restrictions for queer and alternative lifestyle affirming therapists, hypnotherapists, coaches and educators on clinical sites that are proving challenging to navigate in our current political climate.

Why is this content so addictive?

Just like other explicit media, it’s coded to create massive dopamine surges. This is particularly tough on anyone neurodivergent, depressed, stressed, burned out, over or under-stimulated. It targets people who are often desensitized to visual stimuli from excessive use and looking for something else. There is already that neural pathway ready to be hijacked again.

For auditory processors and anyone auditory sensory seeking for relief or engagement it checks that box. People who love music, podcasts, ASMR, guided meditations and particularly those who use enjoyable sounds to recover from the onslaught of unwanted sounds. Sometimes it starts as hypnosis for sleep or stress management and as humans we often think: this would be even better if it were more adult. Algorithms know this too and can funnel users seeking relief towards more explicit content.

But why is it so effective?

A lot of it is designed to captivate attention. The stuff that is effective combines attractive voices, pacing that is fast enough to prevent the mind wondering off but slow enough to feel patient and indulgent; it includes a lot of repetition and a predictable formula that the brain finds soothing to process, and it nearly always involves permission to explore interests and fantasies.

Why do we need permission to explore these areas?

A lot of us experience shame. Even if we’ve worked to dismantle oppressive systems around gender and power dynamics, it’s never uncomplicated in our society. Being told you feel these feelings even though you don’t want to—but you do—is a way to bypass that shame and have free rein to express a fantasy. Or for some it might just be chasing novelty.

Can you be forced to do something under hypnosis that you don’t want to do?

No. Believe me when I say that no one is having a Manchurian Candidate style conditioning from online hypnosis. No matter how intense it is or how much they do it, it can only reduce inhibitions, make boundaries more flexible and give you an excuse. All hypnosis is self hypnosis on some level. Even in the small percentage of the population who are highly suggestible, there still has to be consent for that trance to change actions or thoughts over just being spaced out.

What happens if it was consensual but then consent is withdrawn?

Most of the time as soon as you stop listening to a track the “spell” is broken. If it lingers and you don’t keep re-engaging with it then it typically fades pretty quickly. I have worked with a few people who needed a quick fix to clear out some conditioning to certain words or felt they needed help to regain agency to step away from a track or online creator.

I typically suggest that my words are now their words and their words override all others. Use the same techniques and words that got you into it, to get you out. Every time I remember that voice saying X, I hear my own voice saying Y. Every time I feel sensation X, I feel sensation Y getting stronger and stronger. You can even record your own voice notes or search online for some free deprogramming or deep reset tracks.

Five ways to regain agency if you feel stuck:

• Use other kinds of hypnosis, meditation or audio content to soothe and regulate your nervous system.
• Get out of it with the same script you got in, just layering then replacing the triggers you don’t want anymore with ones you do (record yourself or search for deep resets online).
• Cold turkey works best. If it’s too much, try listening in a different place, a different position, or moving (particularly outside) then have digital free days leading to a taper off.
• Try engaging in any of the interests or activities without the hypnosis so you break the dependency. Do some sensation mapping exercises to really get to know what turns you on. Anything you do that nurtures your energy will help.
• Figure out what unmet needs are prompting you to listen: is it task avoidance, chasing dopamine, or because you’re bored or lonely?

Non-therapeutic hypnosis content can be fun, but it can slip into a harmful maladaptive coping strategy for managing a world that isn’t fun to exist in. The last thing you want to do is make your inner world a place where you believe someone else has all the power. Your mind is way more powerful and expansive if you give it a chance.

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I have a version of this article using more candid and informal language on my Substack for Hypnosis and compulsive behavior. . There are a number of technical restrictions for queer and alternative lifestyle affirming therapists, coaches and educators on clinical sites that are challenging to navigate in our current political climate.

If you’ve been on any kind of social media lately, you’ve likely been subjected to some subtle and not-so-subtle porn-shaming campaigns. If you’re concerned about your porn use, I’m here to tell you that MINDFUL PORN USE IS A THING!

In today’s installment of Free Advice I’ll share with you two of the most prominent anti-porn messages we’re being hit with right now, as well as some ways you can more consciously reflect on your porn use and (if you choose) enjoy it in a more meaningful way.

At the time of writing, we are still dealing with the COVID-19 pandemic and many of us have had a significant increase in the amount of time we spend online. You may be questioning your porn use as part of a greater reflection on your screen time, work-life boundaries, or physical activity.

Chances are if you’re thinking deeply about your porn use, you’re probably also being mindful of the choices you make in other areas of your life. The businesses you support, the food you eat, the clothes you wear. Perhaps you even experience some anxiety and pressure over these decisions too. Feel free to share your question here if you do. We are undoubtedly swimming upstream against the dominant culture as conscious consumers; it takes work to make choices that are aligned with our values. But it is possible. Anything we consume with the right intention can be an act of self-love, liberation, and resistance. Porn is no different.

1. PORN PREVENTS CONNECTION

I started with this one as it is being pushed really hard on Instagram lately and when I started a dialogue about it, someone asked me this question:

“Does watching porn mean I’ll never find love?”

What a heartbreaking belief to have. Spoiler: No it doesn’t.

Proponents of the idea that porn prevents “real” connection – or porn is the opposite of a genuine loving or satisfying relationship – often lean on science or spirituality to bolster their narrative. A very quick look at the institutions conducting the research, those funding it, and the personal social media profiles of those involved (like the one I linked to above) will reveal their glaring biases. The science is janky and the scientists aren’t going to be winning any Nobel Prizes! For as long as we have had collective belief systems, we have had our sex lives policed in their name. New-age spirituality and wellness are no exception. The messages may be less dogmatic but it’s still just as insidious. Porn, solo sex, and fantasy separate us from divinity, the collective, and our bodies, from being present. Our experiences aren’t real and by extension, we aren’t real (or lovable) enough.

Shame sells.

So we are already suffering isolation. Worried about spending so much time on our screens. Reflecting even more than this guy. If we’re single, seeing the months (now a year) go by without any intimate contact. If we’re in a cohabiting relationship, likely bored AF from being cooped up with our partner 24/7. Even if we were in other relationships or dating, there would have been reduced contact and logistical challenges as well as stress and a detachment from our normal lives. Enter one more thing to beat ourselves up for.

It’s totally OK to enjoy just switching off (and getting off) for a bit. Especially right now.

But what if you do feel genuinely disconnected? Like porn is a mindless escape that leaves you feeling even more lonely, craving but unsatisfied? Does that mean porn is wrong? No. Does that mean you are somehow inherently wrong? Definitely, NO!

I’m going to get a bit philosophical here for a second:

“You cannot be that which you can observe” *

What this basically means is: that if you can notice you’re disconnected, that means not only do you have an awareness of connection but you’re likely yearning for it! And what do we do when we yearn for something but can’t have it? We either block it off entirely or we find substitutes. If you’re longing for connection, love, intimacy, presence and noticing its absence or substituting it, then it’s not separate from you.

There are so many ways that you can cultivate connection and there are ways porn can be a part of that. It doesn’t have to be a disconnected, disembodied, lonely experience. There is no solid peer-reviewed scientific evidence that shows porn prevents connection. And unless you’ve taken chastity vows as part of your spiritual devotion then porn is not a barrier to that either. There are plenty of people with strong religious or spiritual beliefs enjoying porn, making porn, and sharing their wisdom on sexual empowerment.

2. PORN IS DEGRADING

Some of the most apparently degrading porn and sex scenes are often performed with full informed consent from parties who feel genuinely empowered by expressing their fantasies. We just don’t get many opportunities to hear these voices.

Is there an excess of porn that exploits vulnerable people? Yep. Are we bombarded with that trash? No doubt.

The thing to remember however is that just because a sex act may look degrading or we might find it degrading, does not mean that the people engaged in it see it that way. In fact, many people find it empowering to intentionally play with things that our society tells us we should find degrading.

A heavy hitter in the anti-porn campaign is that porn is anti-feminist. Many of these arguments are paradoxically rooted in the misogynistic view that women do not enjoy porn (or sex for that matter). Sex-positive feminists have been clashing with anti-porn feminists since the 90s and there are some interesting discussions on porn’s positive role in demedicalizing female sexuality. If you didn’t know already, the feminist gaze in porn is also a thing! and there are even feminist porn reviews. While there is undoubtedly a lot of objectification and degradation woven into the fabric of our society – and porn can present glaring examples – we can make conscious [porn] choices that are aligned with our values and even challenge us to think about our unconscious biases.

And when it comes to intersectional issues, race, body image, gender identity, sexuality – and just about anything that might be important to us as humans wanting to elevate not degrade – there is porn that represents. I’ll talk about this more in future articles and keep an eye out on my page for more content.

PORN DETOX

For some people restriction, routine, and discipline with their porn consumption is beneficial. The strict boundaries create freedom (this porn or orgasm denial can even be enjoyed as part of their sexual play). For others that kind of approach can be very damaging. In a similar way to controlling eating habits, some people find a detox helpful. Some find the structure and clarity of a prescribed diet make things easier. For others, however, the scarcity creates an increased need and a disordered response. The denial provokes shame, perfectionism can show up, and bingeing and regret cycles can occur. In my experience from working with a wide variety of clients on their habits there is no shortage of options for diets or detox -whether we are talking about food or sex – but there are very few alternative options. If porn dieting and porn diet culture doesn’t sit well with you, then mindful porn might be just the ticket.

INTRODUCING MINDFUL PORN

The basic premise is the more awareness we bring to anything: the more choice we have in how we engage with it. The important thing to keep in mind with any kind of awareness practice is to avoid judgment. If this is going to be a healing and positive experience then we have to work really hard to be kind to ourselves and let things be just as they are. You might see some mindfulness practices elsewhere focusing on “non-attachment” and removing anything soothing or pleasurable to become more aware. That’s not what we’re doing here.

Bringing Awareness to your porn use

1. With love and without judgment give yourself permission to watch porn as an awareness exercise.
2. Commit to doing this in the present moment. Mindfulness practices are best done in the here and now, not reflecting on (or regretting) your past use.
3. It’s totally OK and expected that you will find yourself aware of times you are not aware. So maybe forgetting to mindfully watch and realizing halfway through or maybe the next day. That’s all part of it. It’s also totally OK if you mindfully choose to not be mindful of an experience! That in itself shows you’re tuned in to your needs and behaviors.
4. Keep a porn journal. Some examples of questions I have my clients note in their Mindful Porn Journals are:

Once you have a better picture of your porn use and how you genuinely feel about it, you can then decide if it’s serving you or not. You might find it’s just fine the way it is, or you might be unsure what feelings about it are your own and what feelings are your conditioning. If you do discover you’re looking to become more of a conscious consumer with your porn then here are my top 6 tips I share with my clients.

conscious PORn consumption TIPS

1. Do your research. Just like no one wants their pizza going cold as they scroll through Netflix finding something to watch, scrambling for porn when you’re in the mood can be a real buzz kill.
2. Match your porn to your mood. Have a selection of porn for different reasons. Maybe you want comfort, learn, to be challenged, to be romanced. Try to express all the parts of yourself. If you’re noticing that you’re always gravitating to one mood, then it’s a hint from your subconscious that some attention needs to go there. Always choosing quickies? Perhaps your attention span needs some tuning (check out my Anyone Can Meditate page) or perhaps your work-life balance is off (check out my Burnout page). Perhaps you don’t feel you deserve to spend the time on yourself (self-love page coming soon) or you’re insecure about your experience or tastes (check out my Sex & Relationships page). This is all really good intel for your self-development.
3. Try paying for your porn and choose good quality, ethical porn as much as possible. Think of it as the difference between a Reese’s cup and some artisan local small-batch chocolatier that supports indigenous cacao growers. I can highly recommend Pink Label TV as it has a bit of something for everyone.
4. Mix it up. Experiment with watching things that aren’t your usual go-to. You can even use your porn to explore internalized homophobia, racism, ageism, ableism, and fatphobia. You name it. If you’re into podcasts, perhaps you could try audio porn stories to get away from screens. There are also lots of cool erotic art and literature options. A common question that comes up with mindful porn students is “Do I have to watch porn that doesn’t do it for me because it’s the right thing to do?”. No of course not. This is not an exercise in policing desire. Think of it more as an exercise in expanding our definitions of what turns us on and recognizing areas where our desire has been restricted by our conditioning.
5. Turn your fantasies into manifestations. Imagine yourself having the experiences you see on screen and challenging your beliefs that you can have them in real life. What is it about the characters that excites you? How can you and a current or future partner(s) enjoy something akin to that experience? That’s not to say that everything you watch needs to be enacted in the real world! Seeings can 100% be enjoyed without doing. But it can also be really beneficial to think about the feelings, the energies, and the flavors going on in your porn and to explore if there is a place in your real life for it.
6. Take your time. Not just with your porn but with yourself. If you’ve been cut off from your body, your wants, and needs, stuck eating nothing but Reece’s cups, it’s going to take a minute. It’s also worth noting that we often feel like we don’t have time, or can’t make the time, and yet find ourselves lost in social media or porn for way longer than we would have ever consciously allowed ourselves to (it’s designed that way). When we block out time and create space we give ourselves permission to have deeper experiences. We may not feel anything for a while but just like any creative practice, conscious porn enjoyment benefits from a little structure.

There is no right or wrong way to do this. The more playful, patient, and non-judgmental you can be as you experiment, the better.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on mindful porn use and any questions you might have for Free Advice. You can also email me or reach out on Instagram @jqhypnosis. Porn doesn’t have to be bad for you. I work with singles and those in relationships every day who have a healthy and mindful relationship with porn. Sexual energy is one of the most powerful creative and healing forces there is and shame is by far the biggest threat to our capacity for connection.

• this proverb was shared with me on a retreat and I can’t find the source anywhere to quote it. Sorry!

This is a resource for the things you can do to help you get through the pain and frustration of being sexually rejected. Being in a committed relationship with someone who doesn’t want sex, can’t have sex, or has a reduced sex drive is really tough. It’s completely understandable to be in a constant state of irritation over small things. It’s also really common to seek comfort in treats like food, alcohol, drugs, shopping for things like makeup or clothes, or become immersed in computer games, tv, social media, porn, or excessive exercise. Many people really shut down physically and close off from their sexual bodies completely. So let’s work on that!

Quick note: This resource isn’t a guide on how to talk to your partner about sex or how to directly explore the emotional impact on yourself and your relationship. I’ll talk about this more in another article. For now, this is just a down-and-dirty guide on how you can soothe yourself and use this painful experience to fuel some self-love and nurturing.

1. Alone Time

Feeling lonely and alone is painful but it makes sense. Feeling lonely and around another person or people can be really hard to understand. When we take time to be alone, we get to feel our feelings better and this is an important step in healing. Asking for alone time from a partner can be difficult, especially if they are aware that we are unhappy with them about something. I’ll talk more on how to have those conversations in another article but for now, the super easy way to ask for alone time is by saying it’s for a meditation practice. This brings us to the second tip.

2. Meditate

There are so many different kinds of meditation, it’s not all sitting still and trying not to think of things. While I’m a big believer in the power of sitting and training ourselves to have a break from thinking of things sometimes, my go-to meditation for coping with sexual rejection is one called RAIN. You can find out more about It takes a bit of practice but it’s worth it. It gives us a way to soothe ourselves from the feelings that are bubbling away under the surface.

3. Mindful Masturbation

When we are living with a partner and not having sex, our masturbation typically becomes fast and functional; done simply to alleviate some of the frustration. It could be stolen moments in the shower, or quick porn fixes while our partner is brushing their teeth before coming to bed! This can leave us feeling like we don’t deserve better and also lead to difficulties in enjoying longer sexual experiences in the future. Whatever you can say or do, to get some time to yourself to really enjoy your masturbation, do it. Yes, it totally counts as meditation.

Your sexual body is in deep need of some healing and the best way to do that is through your own sensual touch. There are tons of resources out there on this. Layla Martin has a load of free videos. Play some music (there are a lot of playlists on sacred sexuality, yoni/ lingam healing, and tantra that are great for this). Practice breathing into your genitals. I know this sounds really weird but imagine when you take your deep restorative breath in, you are directing it towards your sex organs. Imagine if you can the sensation of the breath entering and leaving there. Trace your hands over your body and your face, with love and tenderness. It’s so common for us to shut off and become numb when we feel sexually rejected and it’s totally OK if you’re not feeling much. Your body will be appreciating it deep down, even if you’re not registering it. When it comes to touching yourself intimately, before you bring yourself to orgasm, spend a little time whispering some nice things to yourself. This can be the things you’d enjoy hearing from a lover, something hot and exciting, or some sweet tender words of comfort that you may have. There is so much that we can do with solo sex magic. I’ll write more about this soon too.

4. Somatic experiencing

We talked a bit about how our bodies can shut down, become numb, and maybe even go off sex. We can find ourselves comfort eating or sabotaging our bodies. A great technique for reminding ourselves that we can give ourselves comfort and pleasure is this. Gather 3 objects of different textures. They don’t have to be anything precious. It can be a sticky note, a candy wrapper, a pen, whatever you have to hand right now. Designate one of your hands a receiving hand and one a giving hand. Select one object with your giving hand, close your eyes, and then for one minute trace that object ever so gently over your receiving hand. Then move on to the next for a minute and then the next. What this does is train our brain to feel safe wanting and receiving pleasurable sensations. If you like it, you can then move on to collecting things that might feel nice and interesting.

5. Become a nun/ priest

I don’t mean this literally (though I guess if you’re called…?) but more that you channel that vibe briefly. It’s the act of being intentionally celibate. You may have heard of elimination diets for food intolerances. Well, this is kind of like a juice cleanse for your sex drive. It’s often a lot easier to go without something if you’re in control of it and it’s for a finite period of time. Imagine being really stoic. Really disciplined. Focusing on everything else in your life but sex for 3 weeks. It’s important that this is not done to repress your sexual thoughts and feelings by shaming yourself or labeling them bad. And it’s not you lowering your sex drive to compensate for a lack in your partner. Be cautious too that you don’t do this to spite your partner if they occasionally do initiate sex during this period. Think of it more as a detox. A pause. An act of meditation. A conscious decision to have a break before you decide what your relationship with sex is going to be like. I’d recommend 3 weeks, to get the maximum benefit.

6. Start a new sexual relationship

When the 3 week cleanse is up it’s time to begin a new sexual relationship with yourself. Prepare your body in any way you usually would if you were planning on having sex with a new partner. If it’s in your budget buy yourselves some new underwear, new body lotion, or shaving soaps, or dig out some old favorites if you have them. Plan your solo sex date and romance the f**k out of yourself. You deserve it.

A final note. Relationship therapy to address this with your partner is always important but that doesn’t mean you can’t take care of yourself in the meantime. We often bury our heads in the sand while we wait for things to get better, for the right time, what these practices teach us is that every day there is an opportunity to hear the cry for help from our sexual bodies and meet it with love. Independently of our relationship to others.

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